Patience is a Virt…..Errr….Babies??

I can’t stop thinking about babies.

I made a conscious decision for my future as a mother and it has opened up the floodgates. Stop, rewind…suddenly I feel twenty four again, full of hope and possibility. Arms wide open, ready to humble myself on the steps of motherhood. The world is my oyster and I’m ready to swallow it whole!

But.

Ahh, there’s always a but. At twenty four, I surely had two hundred years ahead of me and there was a single (free) man on every street corner. My older and somewhat wiser self knows what a fallacy this is, and is constantly living in the crosshairs of time. So I am all “Y-hea! I can make it happen, I’ll be a Mom one way or another in three years or sooner I just have to be patient!” and “Dee-dee-dee-dee-do-dee-dum (that’s the Jeopardy theme BTW)….tick tock tick tock what are you waiting for do it NowNowNOW!”.

And it’s. All! that I can think about.

When I’m in the decision stage of something (whether it’s a purchase or an opinion) I can take months, and even years, investigating every angle of my options. But once I’ve made an informed decision, I tend to get very impatient and work to make things happen as soon as possible. My patience, which is legendary, disappears. I jump in the deep end fully clothed and race for the finish line.

It’s difficult to hold myself back, to not just jump into it and start working on becoming pregnant. Every day my heart finds excuses why I need to start the process immediately, while my head desperately injects logical reasons why I Have to wait. I had a Dr.’s appointment a few days ago and didn’t discuss the decision with her; it was a way to hold back, to try and pace myself (and also because my Doctor is a very religious lady, and I’ll admit to concern about her reaction). When it nags at me, I remind myself of the house I’m saving up for, the multitude of steps I need to traverse to ensure that I can provide a child with the basic, necessary securities.

So I thought, why not make a list? Something that I can go to when impatience overrides my better judgement? A list of the goals I want to achieve before I begin the process of becoming a mother*:

- Buy a house. Nothing large, nothing fancy – all I want is a nice big yard so that I can garden and my dogs have an area to chill.
- Pay off my car loan. By summer 2010.
- Clear my credit card debt by year end 2009.
- Find a job that is less stressful and closer to my home town (I currently drive about an hour – in good traffic – to work round trip. I am in Credit / Collections in the oilfield sector, and my job is extremely stressfull with a huge amount of overtime)
- Begin dog grooming course in Sept/09 and finish Apr/10
- Get more fit and eat healthier! (be one with breakfast…ugggg)

I am not giving up completely on finding Mr. Right; I still have three years after all!!
I just have to last three years…..

“Tick tock tick tock tick tock…….FOAD I am Waiting! Waiting!!! OhdoGIfeelmywillpowercrumbli…babybabybabybaby……”

*These are all goals that preceed the decision to pursue DI and SMC, one’s that I’ve been chipping away at for a while now.

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