I Feel Like Julius Ceasar Trying To Have a Baby
June 8, 2009 at 11:48 am 1 comment
My older sister, Chic, just left for a fertility clinic in Vancouver. After years of sex sans contraception and pregnancy, followed by fertility drugs this past year and daily ultrasounds etc. etc. etc., she and her hubby have decided that it’s time to try IVF. We all have fingers and toes crossed for them, and I know that soon she’ll be calling me to scream the good news in my ear.
This past weekend, I finally told her about my decision to pursue donor insemination if I’m babyless in three years. I tell Chic everything, and holding this secret close to my chest has been difficult; to date, only my BFF and mother know (and you, internets). Normally Chic would be the very first person I talked to about such a life-altering choice…but somehow, I felt that telling her, in the midst of her own struggles with mommyhood, would be wrong.
I blurted it out, without thinking, while we were commiserating about how all of our friends are having babies. Everywhere we look, babies, babies, babies. (Even my BFF is due to have her second child June 20) Without my even thinking, the words vomited out:
“I’ve decided that, if I am not in a relationship with kids being a definite by 32, I’m going to knock myself up.”
Fifteen seconds of dead silence followed my proclamation. And then, to my surprise and disappointment, she started trying to talk me out of it.
[I suppose some backstory is warranted here. Throughout my whole life, I've been the one who was going to have babies; Chic has always been my greatest supporter in this (even going so far as to set me up on dreaded blind dates in an attempt to get me love and a baby-daddy). Chic, on the other hand, was always a big children-question mark until about a year ago. And for that past year, I've been her biggest cheerleader...even though I have my own doubts regarding her motives for having kids (but that, dear internets, is another story).]
“Do you have any idea how hard it’s going to be as a single mom?”
That statement, out of every deprecating comment that she made about my choice, blew me over the top. I was raised in the same house as her, by the very same single mother (whose children got No emotional or financial support from the sperm donor, I might add) – I may not have walked in the single mom’s shoes, but I’ve been the single mom’s kid.
And you know what? The whole thing scares the hell out of me. From conception to delivery to the teen years. If it didn’t, I’d be the biggest idiot around. The very process of getting pregnant the unconventional way, by myself, freaks me out – every SMC blog I’ve read speaks of an emotional rollercoaster that I fear stepping onto. Years of TTC, therapy after therapy after therapy. Trying, hoping, and then learning that it failed. And having to start the process over, and over, and over again. It’s why I don’t want to wait too long, why I changed my original decision age from 35 to 32. Why, if I were prepared, I would start the process tomorrow.
The irony is that my Mom, who I was sure would be critical of this choice, is behind me 137%. She’s extremely biased and old-fashioned in her opinions, and she helped me to set my goal and even suggested that I not wait (she’d like me to go out tomorrow and do it lol). While I wasn’t paying attention, the world flipped on it’s side and the body snatcher’s invaded.
Because I can, I asked Chic, “Why are you reacting like this?”
“Because you CAN’T have a baby before me!”
And there it was, the monster that usually hides under the bed. One of the reasons that I am worried about her becoming a mother, one of the reasons that I question her motives.
“It’s got nothing to do with you, Chic.”
I tried to be understanding; though our situations are all sorts of different, we are both after the same thing. We should be able to empathize with each other in ways others can’t…or maybe not.
Because she said: “Just think about how I’ll look if my single younger sister has a baby before me!”
Just think. Of how I’ll look. Is this a joke? The conversation went downhill from there, and we said goodbye shortly thereafter, and my mind keeps spinning itself back to that statement, even now, days later. I am worried about the possible consequences of a choice that isn’t even definite, and her concern is how it will make her look.
Et tu, brute?
Entry filed under: All I Need Is a Turkey Baster (& Some BabyJuice). Tags: Baby, mother by choice, single woman.
1.
Billy | July 15, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Hi.
First I would like to say that it’s great that you set yourself a time limit to pursue your dream. I am 39 and although I was a child who loved kids, always wanted to be a mother, I didn’t “know” I could become an SMC by sperm donor and only at the age of 37 (=a bit late) started working on my dream. So it is great that you are going after this dream while you are still young.
But I wanted to comment here about your sister. I can totally understand where she’s coming from (well not including her last remark about how she’ll look, but it sounds to me like something that was said in the heat of an argument or a thoughtless meaningless statement. But then again I don’t know you or your sister).
.
It is so difficult when you are going through infertility, when you are trying to conceive for some time, and others around you get knocked up. I had quite a lot of close people (including 2 sisters, a good friend, my therapist, my cousin) get pregnant and have their babies, while I still not there. And you want to know which of all these people was the most difficult? Yes, my younger sister! And it was her second child, so not as though it was about me becoming a mother before her, but nevertheless it still hurt, very much.
And you know, logically you are not even talking about beginning to try for the next few years, and hopefully! she will be a mother way before you take your first steps trying, but that’s logically. Emotionally is a whole different world